life, Personal development, Uncategorized

Quick update & the calling behind writing

Hey folks!

It’s been a hot minute. I’ve been in hibernation mode, but really. A mega hermit phase if you will. In reality the past month and a half has been all about deeply connecting to my being as I move forward into the next chapter of life.

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What’s going on?

That’s a loaded question… the quick life update includes: I’m done school as of mid-February (yippee) and will receive my diploma in May as universities don’t like to hand them out early, I’ve been selling lots of my belongings and will be moving this summer (I don’t know where… childhood home where I’m living currently is selling!), I have a few projects up my sleeve, I’m navigating some women’s health medical stuff, and my work situation is babysitting two awesome kiddos (or as I call them nuggets, goobers, rugrats) and personal training/instructing group fitness at a local studio.

It’s a giant shift, finishing school. A shift that for a period of time felt like it would never come. Another big shift is going from almost checking working as a personal trainer off my “potential job list”, but real talk I’m all about it. And moving/selling childhood home… well I’m sure I’ll be a hot mess when it actually sells but for now all is good.

Honestly, since wrapping up classes in February I just haven’t felt that compelled to write. Insert hermit phase. I found myself wanting to write but that feeling ended up leaving as quickly as it came. My brain has needed solid space to process the numerous changes and I’m happy to report my internal base feels ready to take on whatever the world decides to hand over.

With the calling to write on the blog again, a thought popped into my noggin the other day: why do I write? I figured this would be as good of a time as any to delve this topic.

I could give a handful of answers such as it helps me to process, I love writing, creating posts is an enjoyable pastime, I dig the blog community. These are all true, but they totally aren’t the core. Rather they are like the outer layers of an onion. They totally make writing even better, but they aren’t the magic.

Writing, for me, is a calling like no other. It’s creating. It’s expressing. It’s raw, vulnerable, transparent.

I CANNOT not write. Attempting to stop the internal pull I feel to write would be like trying to stop a freight train. It’s not happening.

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Sometimes the need to write comes out of nowhere. I find myself out on a walk or a bike and I have to stop and send myself a text or note because whatever is on my mind NEEDS to make it onto the blog. Sometimes I choose to write instead of sleep because I’m so deeply compelled to get this stuff into the world. Sometimes when writing I find myself smiling or laughing because it’s such an integral part of my life, other-times I’m crying because the release is so intense – physical, mental, emotional, spiritual.

The realer the content, the faster it flows out of me. The deep posts, I usually find my fingers can type fast enough. It’s like an explosion of thoughts and I have no option other than to talk about it. Like the world is literally yelling at me to get it out because if I feel so strongly then sure as heck someone needs to hear it.

I’ve found that my darkest, most vulnerable posts not only leave me feeling like I am being my truest self and honoring where I’m at but also the feedback I get (even if it’s one person) just shows me time and time again that this calling has such an important purpose outside of myself.

In reality I’m sharing my experience. I’m telling my story via the online writing platform.

It’s that simple.

But it’s so much more than that. It always has been, and it always will be ♥

“If you are working on self love without healing the unconscious (shadow, inner child) you aren’t working on self love. You’re working on spiritually bypassing. Self love is about integration, embodiment, wholeness, and authenticity.” – Maryam Hasnaa

biking, hiking, life, Personal development

Mt. Jackson – 2/3/19, bike rides, and embracing current reality

What’s up buttercups? Happy Wednesday 🙂

Hoping all of you wonderful humans reading this had a great weekend and are having a good week thus far!

I headed North to hike on Sunday with Laura (the Explorer). We frolicked our way up Mt. Jackson and I had some good deja-vu moments of my recent hike up Jackson in November. The difference? Laura and I didn’t have to break through 1-3 feet of snow the entire hike and let me tell you my hips were uber happy about that.

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Laura and her pup enjoying an already broken out trail

This is my first hike since a jaunt up Mt. Tecumseh December 16th, so a month and a half!  Reality check: 1.5 months isn’t THAT long, and there isn’t anything wrong with a break.

It felt really goon on many levels to be back hiking in the mountains. Jackson in particular feels like home a little bit inside as it was my first 4000 footer, and a regularly repeated summit. The more I hike, the more I become in love with the HIKING more than the SUMMITING. Summits are stellar and gorgeous and feels like a pat on the back. But, hiking, the whole process of base to summit, that’s where the magics located.

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Stellar summit views

It feels as if I didn’t even take time off, I think because I love it so much. I was able to just do other things with my time and know that I would get back hiking when the bod was ready and that the world would be ok. Going to use my experience of six stress fractures from mainly my teen years to say how I was able to calmly not fully lose my shit when I could barely walk for two weeks because of the hip in mid-December. I said fully lose, there were most definitely some minor meltdowns sprinkled in.

In a way, this all feels like I’ve been taking an off season per se. This is a topic I’ve been placing some solid mental energy on lately – rest and cycles of rest. As a previous competitive jump-roper that had an off season, a weightlifter that cycled programming and rest weeks, and a biker that heads out for less miles in the winter months than summer –  hiking is the thing that wasn’t being cycled. While summer might have more aggressive miles from time to time, winter places different stressors on the body (e.g thermoregulation, the trail warrants different muscles to be utilized, heavier pack, ect.).

If we pull it back a notch:

The moon has phases

There are seasons

Us ladies have cycles

ect. ect.

While I feel like a total badass hiking a ton in the winter, I’m choosing to keep it dialed back a level for the next few months. Historically I’ve found where some hikers love and prefer winter hiking, I dig it but my body hates it. I forced it last year and felt sore/pain (in not normal ways) more often than not. And, you know what, doing something that my body doesn’t feel good doing just isn’t worth it for me anymore. Longevity > instant gratification at this point. Total trial and error learning process. Don’t get me wrong – I LOVE hiking, thoroughly enjoy pushing my limit and have since I was about 4 years old, and heading to the mountains for the sake of wandering in the forest feels so deeply right… It has changed my life trajectory, provided me so much space for healing, and allowed me to develop a new relationship with my being and grow new friendships. I wouldn’t trade it for the damn world.

And, that’s the thing. Pushing through body signals because I want/need to hike isn’t worth it for me right now. I would rather hike less in the winter and allow my body time to just be a human and sleep a little more, do a little less physically, and then be out in the mountains multiple times a week Spring through Fall, than push push push year-round but always feel sub-par, or get injured and have to take indefinite time off. Been there, done that, over it.

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One pre summit view

As someone who used to workout 2-3 times a day 6-7 days a week, being able to take a moment and evaluate where I’m at, what my body is telling me, and re-navigate to be able to heal whatever niggle my hip was getting is really awesome. The fact that I used to just push through pain until I ended up with a stress fracture, other injury, or taking time off and subsequently using super unuseful coping mechanisms, and I just took 6 weeks “off” where I spent most of my time working on personal development, other areas of my life, and enjoying some walks and solo yoga sessions (hi, #misophoniaproblems)… Well, it feels really good inside.

Progress is a process but it’s so worth the potholes and speed bumps.

In other news, I rode the bike Monday and yesterday as both days were in the 50’s here in New Hampshire and let me tell you it was magical. Biking was one of the things that seemed to be highly pissing off the hip, and after the last two days I’m happy to report that things are feeling light-years better than mid-December, but there’s still a niggle and that’s my cue to dig a little deeper into what’s really going on.

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Bike ride ft. lots of snow melt and a soaked tush

What’s “cooler” than being able to hike and bike is that I’m not finding myself in a position where I feel like I need to do them all the time right now. I enjoy both… they bring me joy, smiles, friendships, understanding, and fulfillment. No longer do I need to work out obsessively, do all the things all the time, or be a badass as a means to make myself feel better.

I’m finding more and more that my intentions for my life are shifting. The shift in a way parallels what I’ve been actively doing or taking action on the past couple of years but I’m now feeling it, gravitating towards it, pursuing it.

My primary intention is to live in a way which supports my being physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Yeah, that means I forfeit or give up or sacrifice some winter hikes, winter bikes, hours which could be spent being “productive” for sleep, eating a little more when I’m hungry because I realize it’s my tendency to under eat when stressed, do all the self-care when my mindset is there and accept that it’s totally kosher when I need a nap to escape the world or need two therapy sessions in a week to not explode internally.

The whole personal growth game ain’t always sunshine and rainbows.

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Jackson summit. Frozen, happy, and okay with the world

Moving from a fear-based, emotionally driven, auto-pilot way of living to a place where intention, mental space, overall health, and healing are the main focus – IT IS INCREDIBLY TERRIFYING.

Realizing this – the fear behind changing my ways in order to support myself vs. support my fears, to adapt and accept, to just go with what feels good and ditch what needs to be ditched for now as now doesn’t equal forever.

It feels a lot like past experiences.

IT IS TERRIFYING to adapt and accept, to ebb and flow.

But, with this experience right now I’m reminding myself that I’m in remission from an eating disorder, I got my period back naturally after losing it for three years, I competed in jump rope with hip dysplasia, I almost have a college degree with misophonia where my main trigger is typing.

I’m going to keep keeping on and keep keeping it real.

Life can suck.

It can also be incredible amazing.

Sometimes, these are just facts, and other times… it’s how we view the hand we’ve been dealt during a certain time.

My currently reality doesn’t equal my worth, it doesn’t mean I can’t hike this summer which historically goes much much much better than winter, and it certainty doesn’t mean I can’t look at the positives of not being able to do what I love as much as I’d prefer to.

It just is.

I respect myself enough at this point in my life to understand and accept that it just is what it is and to work with this.

Your relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have.”  — Robert Holden

XO,S

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Uncategorized

These are a few of my favorite things

Hey folks!

It’s been a while since I’ve shared my “recent faves” or things I’ve been uber digging lately. Today is the magical day where I spill the beans. Also, to be real, I wanted to share a more lighthearted post between you save yourself part 1 and part 2 (up later this week/weekend).

For the most part, everything in this post is new to me within the past six or so months. I’m excited to share with y’all the random things I’ve been loving as of late. Let’s get going.

Acupressure mat

My friend Lindsey “lawn” suggested this when I was dealing with a major hip flare up about two months ago. She allowed me to borrow hers for a couple days and I fell in love enough to purchase my own. Acupressure mats have a bunch of small circular dots with spikes on them. They provide nervous system stimulation without any skin perforation. I’ve been laying on this a few nights a week for 20-30 minutes whilst listening to music or podcasts.

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Roll on essential oil

From Etsy. This one: “liquid xanax”, while definitely not Xanax, it has a mellow scent/helps me to relax.

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Unicorn notebook

I needed a notebook for making notes and jotting down each golden nugget my brain has related to some upcoming new adventures. It surely doesn’t hurt that it’s my dang spirit animal. For the record, unicorns were my spirit animal before they were cool. Also, I prefer the term “mountain unicorn”, because, well, I climb mountains on the reg.

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Walking

Previously I’ve underestimated the power of going for a walk. Walking is simple, easily accessible where I’m living, and provides outdoor experience and fresh air. I prefer trail over road walking but have recently been partaking in both. Below is a picture I took on a recent trail walk of a (mostly) frozen pond.

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Essential oils via diffuser

Health shield = wonderful scent. It’s a mix of cassia, clove, eucalyptus, lemon, and rosemary. Creative juice is another fun one I like to diffuse in the morning. Lavender is my go-to when my brain needs a chill pill and I’ll often have this going when laying on the acupressure mat.

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CBD (aka cannabidiol)

Another round of before it was cool… similar to the unicorns. I began testing out CBD a few years ago, both topically and orally and have found it beneficial for my own body. Recently I came across Pure Kana and dig the flavors as my taste-buds and olfactory receptors don’t prefer the more earthy taste/smell. I also dig that the company uses CO2 extraction and is 3rd party tested/they are transparent with test results (KEY for supplements).

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Hiking/outdoor-related books

Now that I’m done school with the exception of my current six week course, I’ve been enjoying more “for fun” reading.

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“I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow; but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.” ― Agatha Christie

XO,S