Today I’m just writing, expressing my thoughts and general feelings about how the mountains provide a sense of therapy for my soul and my being. Mountains in the sense of hiking, mountain running, snowboarding, and honestly hands down just being in the mountainous areas of New Hampshire (note: yes, I just used some form of the word “mountain” three times in one sentence). There is a specific series of feelings I experience when in the wilderness. They are nearly in-explainable, but I’m going to try and replicate them here.
I’m not, but I am.
I’m trying to be.
I feel it.
In my bones, being, soul.
I feel free.
I feel like everything is in order, taken care of, checked off the infamous to-do list.
I don’t think about anything other than the moment at hand.
Those hours, minutes, seconds.
They are real.
I’m breathing: deeply, consistently.
I feel my lungs full up with air, diaphragm expand.
Suddenly, I have a flashback of when I didn’t feel alive.
When I felt like the world might end or that my world was ending.
I remember, vividly, to a time where I didn’t see hope or worth in my existence.
It fades as quickly as it came.
Step by step.
It’s been a mile or two or ten.
I feel like I just started the hike or the adventure for the day.
Hours have passed.
My brain is in the zone.
Nothing is wrong.
I feel good, safe.
Everything will be ok.
My mind wanders back to those thoughts of unease that arose before.
But, they aren’t uneasy or hopeless.
They just exist.
Simply, they are there.
The current flow and state of feeling like my world is together mends the wounds.
I feel alive.
I feel ok.
I trust myself.
Breathing, in and out.
I trust myself.
I know I can do whatever it is that my mind is thinking about, processing.
The world doesn’t feel so heavy.
It almost doesn’t exist.
The flow state, mentally I’m lost in that.
Everything seems to move so slowly but so quickly.
I’m moving through space.
I’m moving forward.
My entire past and history and story is at my damn fingertips ready to fight.
it doesn’t need to.
I don’t need my strength of shutting myself down or shutting the world out.
I am alive.
I feel good.
Everything is ok.
I don’t need my history or my past skillset.
It’s part of me.
I don’t need it in this moment.
I need this.
This as in where I’m currently at.
I need the mountains.
The fresh air.
I need the space.
The time with my humanness.
I am alive in these seconds, hours, days.
They transpire into all over parts of my life.
My motives become one.
My existence has a common purpose.
I no longer have any desire to take myself out.
I just am.
I am me.
I’ll continue on my path,
whatever that may be.
Everything feels ok.
I keep moving,
Everything is right there underneath my skin.
But, for a series of moments, hours, days,
I am free.