One of the biggest reasons I usually don’t write up a list of New Years resolutions is because I’m quite stubborn and I have commitment issues. It’s really no secret although I’ve actually had people who don’t know me all that well say I am one of the most dedicated individuals they’ve met. Call it what you will but over the past ten years my life has swayed back and forth from stable to unstable to somewhere in the middle more than a handful of times. I’m hot and cold, day and night – that’s my personality. Maybe I’m dedicated because I just don’t quit. I’m not sure to be completely honest. I know what I want, or well I have a very solid understanding of what it is that I am after. It has taken me a lot of self work and tough love to be able to say that.
I am in the pursuit of optimal health, whatever that is for my personal body.
Throughout my experiences one of the hardest things I’ve come to terms with is what I feel that I *should* be capable of. I would take ego, standards, and previous accomplishments and hold myself accountable to what I believed I needed to be doing. I felt I needed to be the best at competing, a straight-A student, working full-time, always performing better than any other individual at a given moment – all while keeping myself together. I tried to be invincible, like super-woman. For a period of time I was able to adapt to these extreme standards, but soon enough I started to show cracks. It’s quite difficult if not impossible to maintain near perfection in every realm of life at each given moment.
Where did I learn these beliefs? Why is it that I hold myself to standards set higher than a majority of my peers? But better yet, why is it that I’ve met other people who have similar if not identical lifestyle patterns? In my opinion, it’s about trying to prove ourselves as human beings. It’s about your worth as an individual.
What actually is worth? Worth is “moral or personal value.” Source. Worth is how we tend to define ourselves based on our capabilities. Our capabilities which are often measured by comparison to those of others. The thing is, by defining personal worth on the capabilities we ourselves possess in comparison to those around us is ultimately setting us up for defeat. You are yourself. You are not any other individual on the planet. You are you and I am me, accept that.
How about self-respect? How about taking care of your body – both your physical body and your mental body, before trying to take on the world. Accept where you are and who you are before trying to improve yourself as a person. It’s human nature to want to perform well, be well, and live well. I’ve never met somebody who doesn’t want the best for themselves. Even when I was deep into my eating disorder I still wanted the best for myself, eventually. I wasn’t ready to take that step in the moment but I was aware that one day I would be ready.
At the most basic level we are all human beings. For myself, I then build on that and I am a daughter, friend, employee, athlete, student, blogger, and more. I am all of these things. My worth cannot be defined by something outside of myself. The majority of my life thus far has been spent comparing myself to the things that I deemed most important. My worth was somehow less if I was not the smallest yet the strongest. The thing with living this way is that everything begins to contradict itself. I could not grow into the best version of myself if I all was allowing was trying to be better than everybody else.
“I let it go. It’s like swimming against the current. It exhausts you. After a while, whoever you are, you just have to let go, and the river brings you home.”
All in all accept yourself, continue to grow into who you are and be a better version of you not your neighbor. Find what makes you come alive as a person, what it is that has you thriving in life and do that thing. Don’t be the reason you didn’t reach your goals. Stop holding yourself back because of trying to be the best at everything versus trying to be the best at your thing.
You have innate value because you are alive. Accept that.